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God Hates Paragraphs: Westboro Baptist Church Threatens to Protest Alaska Native Heritage Center

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Yesterday afternoon, while neck deep in editing, I felt a cool breeze leak in through the open window in my office. “Summer is coming,” it reminded me. I took a moment and leaned back in my chair to take it in. Glorious summer. Sunshine, warmth, barbecues, long nights in front of the fire pit, enjoying the sound of neighborhood kids playing until the sun goes down, the dogs panting after hours of fetch, cold refreshments, and the Alaska Baseball League.

Oh, and more lame and likely empty threats from tired bigots grasping for a legitimacy that just isn’t going to happen. You know, the norm.

At the same moment I took a deep breath of fresh air pouring in my office window, Facebook alerted me to a message from a friend. The message included a link to a site I had all but forgotten about: Westboro Baptist Church. The mouthbreathing, monosyllabic, and increasingly obsolete “God Hates Fags” folks.

In a “press release” (used in quotes, noting the fact that press releases usually embrace the art of paragraphs and stuff), the Westboro people announced that they, too, wish to enjoy the Alaska summer.

Not as much for the late night campfires or baseball games. More for diversifying their broad spectrum of hate to include the Alaska Native Heritage Center.

Yeah. You read that right.

You can chuckle, I won’t judge. They will. But they’re stupid.

Why would the Westboro Baptist Church waste the pocket change left in their waning coffers to fly presumably non-direct flights at exorbitant costs to hate on First Alaskans?

Well, there have been some spectacular air fare deals lately. But, they offered two other, far less logical reasons.

(For your reading pleasure, I added paragraphs. Because PARAGRAPHS ARE IMPORTANT. Also, I’m not linking to their website, but I uploaded it so you can read it here without sending traffic their way.)

First, you make a religion out of the pagan idolatrous practices of past generations. There is nothing appealing or holy about the “heritage” of the eleven “distinct cultures” or “diverse population” of Alaska. They walked in darkness and served idols of every kind, contrary to the direct commandment to have no gods before God.

“Thou shalt have no other gods before me,” Exodus 20:3. God hasn’t completely destroyed Alaska yet, so there is time to repent of this idolatry; not memorialize and worship it. “And the times of this ignorance God winked at; but now commandeth all men every where to repent: because he hath appointed a day, in the which he will judge the world in righteousness,” Acts 17:30-31.

Second, you fail to give God the glory, instead of the traditions and gods of the past. “Thou hast praised the gods of silver, and gold, of brass, iron, wood, and stone, which see not, nor hear, nor know: and the God in whose hand thy breath is, and whose are all thy ways, hast thou not glorified,” Daniel 5:23. Stop worshiping dead cultures, man-made idols, and the sinful traditions of past generations. Put the resources into teaching and learning the Bible instead, and warning your neighbor to stop sinning before it’s too late, and he’s sinned away the last day of grace.

GOD H8S IDOLATRY!

Well, I hate using numbers in place of letters. But to each his own (also clearly not a concept they subscribe to, along with basic pleasantries).

This isn’t the first time Westboro has threatened to protest in, or on the topic of, Alaska. In August of 2010, they announced they would protest the funeral of late Senator Ted Stevens, held at the Anchorage Baptist Temple (which was odd, given the extensive areas of common ground shared in the Venn diagram of the two institutions’ belief systems).

They never showed. In fairness, affordable air fare was a lot harder to come by back then. Oh, and we’re generally armed and quite nonplussed about anyone badmouthing Ted Stevens, especially Outsiders that protest military funerals — something even Jerry Prevo decried as “pretty off the wall.”

We similarly don’t take kindly to those repugnant enough to insult our Native Alaskan brothers and sisters.

I doubt they’ll make good on their threats this time around either. If they do, all the better. I’m sure plenty of us — myself absolutely included — would be more than happy to greet them (there’s even a facebook group, just in case). We have opinions too.

Looks like the average round trip flight out of Topeka will run right around $700 per WBC whack job, though the link provides plenty of options, courtesy of Expedia.com.

Bring it, bigots.