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Advice, via Brahm: Mom Chikka Mow Wow


Letter from Seeker

My elderly mother is staying with me for the winter after a fire took out her apartment. Two months ago my cable bill seemed a little higher than normal but I didn’t think about it. It happened again this month. Apparently she’s been ordering pay per view porn. Like a LOT of it. 

So how does one start that conversation?



~ an answer ~

My inner 8th grader first tapped out: Two words – Cable Passlock. That will either initiate the conversation when she has to come ask you for the password, or it will lower your cable bill when she doesn’t. 

Thankfully, before I fired off just that too-simple and kind of cruel answer, an adult voice piped in to remind me, “Dude, this is someone’s mom. Show some respect.”

Let’s presume first this is not a financial burden and ask yourself: Do you HAVE to have this conversation?

If this is not a permanent living situation, and money is not the issue, it would be much easier to just let it go. You know, don’t look too closely at the cable bill so you don’t catch the titles of her titillation. Whatever you do, DO NOT begin watching any of the rentals “where she left off.” That will never be erased from your memory.

Now, think back a little, recall that you were a teenager once. Odds are good you had something dirty hiding in your room. Odds are also very good, your mom totally found it. Here is an opportunity to grant her the courtesy she afforded you (or the courtesy you wish you’d been given) and STFU. Few things are more mortifying than a family member coming upon your mash-stash. I’m sure many adults are still nursing the shame. Do you really want to possibly humiliate your mom?

Now that you are an adult, you must also come to terms with the fact that being “elderly” doesn’t remove a person’s need for a sexual outlet. Humans, even old ones, are sexual creatures – it’s biology. Also, fun. While you might not want to think of your elders wanting the nookie, clearly they do. Even more-so as the sexually revolutionized Baby Boomers are taking over the ranks of the Social Security sect. I suspect a lot of Medicare dollars will be going to treat elderly STD’s

Furthermore – in case you haven’t thought of it – someday you too will be old, my friend. You should see it as a sign of hope for your own future that an aged person can show an appetite for lovin‘.

Now, I have been made to understand that Pay-Per-View for adults can get mighty expensive. If this does give you financial woe, I guess you have to have a conversation. But unless your Oedipal curiosity must be sated it doesn’t have to be THE conversation. It might be as easy as a casual mention to your mom that bills are a little higher now that there is an extra human in the home and see if she is willing to contribute. She may understand the subtle hint, and you might be able to pay the additional fees without too much trauma.

You could also do her a solid, and maybe, help her find a singles club, or introduce her to someone.


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