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Advice, via Brahm: Episode Two [NSFW]

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Letter from Seeker:

I have a big problem with spending too much money. Just the other day, I walked down to a store and spent $100 on things I don’t need. I bought a video game, an entire season of my favorite TV show, and a bottle of booze, all of which I will enjoy all by myself. This happens on a regular basis. 

While I was walking home I felt so lonely that I could have cried. But buying all of that stuff makes me feel better even though it makes me feel terrible in the long run. Because of my spending habits, I cannot afford a car, insurance, and often times rent. I don’t know what to do. I don’t get paid much at my job and I’m a full time student. I really can’t continue to live this way. How the fuck do I deal with this? What other solutions for loneliness are there apart from drinking and self-inflicted entertainment that drain my bank account?

-*please*  *encourage narcissistic introverted self.*

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~An answer~

 

The clever signature acronym is pretty much Dan Savage’s territory – but even I couldn’t resist a middle-school nod to your chosen pen name. Well done, p.e.n.i.s.

Maybe we should call you Hot Pockets for your apparent need to remove your money from your wallet as soon as you can. Maybe it’s the impatience of youth, or the single-without-kids mindset, that makes it a challenge to retain that cash until the fifteenth to pay the electric bill. I’t a challenge! Especially when there is something right now that can be bought! The fifteenth is so far away.

When one is young and tomorrow is an intangible thing, it is easier to give in to the whims and desires of now. The future tends to seem less relevant when weighed against the moment happening right now.  When one is a parent, or has dependents, it is critical to deny selfish and whimsical desire. Having responsibility for another being gives tomorrow more weight.

Perhaps you have not realized, as a single person, without children or maybe even pets – there is someone who depends on you. You’ve never met that guy, though someday you will wake everyday to his face; it is your own eyes you will have to stare down in the mirror. You may look at yourself as you are later, and call the self of today a fool for spending, because you’ve saddled tomorrow’s self with debt.

There is a future of stress over a possible bankruptcy. There will be a day to pass where your later self will be denied a home, a car, possibly even a job because of the selfishness of the younger self. And sadder still is a future self embarrassed to admit to a potential life mate that your finances are a burden they have to share.

Granted, you have time, and youth is the time to make mistakes; to live footloose – to give in to desires that later you will have less choice to fulfill. Don’t beat yourself up too much. When the day comes where more than your own well-being is riding on a decision, it is a little easier to make the right choice. If you are really concerned about the doomsday possibilities I lay out above, you can begin making right choices… sometimes.

Remember that the old man you will one day become is your child; a product of how you raise him. Who is that guy? You are writing his story. Maybe he still loves that TV show and is grateful you started the collection years ago. What other hobbies would wrinkly-you like to have? Maybe you’d like to be the old dog who whittles or excels at chess. Go get sticks and put those dexterous remote-controlling hands or gamer’s mind to use. Discover some cheaper pastimes that old guy can enjoy. Instead of buying a bottle, go to a bar and collect some friends he can grow old with. Don’t sentence him to loneliness.

But really, if he could come back and tell you three things you could do for him now that will help him later – what would those three things be?

Some practical advice from some famous financial planner types would probably suggest getting rid of that debit card – it is far too easy to swipe your woes away. Instead, at pay day, cash that check and cache it up – divvy it up into separate envelopes so you can really see how much has to go how far and help ensure it get’s there.

Good luck P.E.N.I.S.

 

And speaking of the masculine apparatus…

 

Please be advised, the following contains strong language and adult situations. Read at your own risk… and probably not at work.

 

Letter from Seeker:

Help! My Husband Loves Dildos!

I have a lady question for a lady. My husband and I have a lot of sex, but it’s not the traditional kind. We have a collection of dildos and vibrators that he uses on me. It’s great, but sometimes I just want to have regular intercourse. He always seems reluctant. Any advice for a lady who wants to get the plastic out from between me and my husband?

Thank you,

Name Withheld

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~An answer~

 

Cocks are pretty cool. An easy majority of owners and even the cock-less agree on that. Not for everyone, no… but perpetuating the envious vein of masculinity, a lot of people are wont to wield these towers of power. And, with Alaska being number two on the list of toy purchases across the country per capita – it stands to reason, an awful lot of cocks are in Alaska’s closets. Sounds like a few have made it into yours.

I’ll give your fella props for showing you a little sexual honesty – he’s not afraid to handle a cock that is not his own. And in the presence of a woman. Oh, 21st Century, molting out of the shallow skin of homophobia; allowing men to see the beauty of form in other men without it being totally gay. Only a little gay, and in the Kinsey spectrum of human sexuality, that’s totally okay. We are in a stage of sexual evolution for men, where they can have their cock, and eat it too. As literally or figuratively as they want…but I digress.

Your husband may think you, being the ultimate beneficiary of this dickstravaganza, are thrilled with this arrangement. Haven’t you noticed that once a bloke finds a thing that works, he will use that trick every time? That’s often how things work for a guy. Years of self exploration earned them a routine of stimuli that is most efficient in achieving orgasm. When they are ready to finish, they know they can Twist It, Pull It and Bop It right across the finish line.

Using that mechanical logic, guys presume that once finding a solution to the confusing labyrinth that is the woman’s vagina they can, and should, use that route every time. He found that path and baby, he’s gonna put some ruts in that trail so he can find his way home even in the dark. He probably thinks he’s doing you a solid by always being willing to give you your (readhis) multi-man fantasy and not have anyone be jealous. He may have no idea that you want less cock and he thinks he is a modern, metro guy for being this progressive and fun. You’re married, you have learned that fellas can be pretty oblivious.

You say he is reluctant, are you actually telling him “No, honey, let’s leave out the orchestra and just play the skin flute tonight?” Maybe you are being too subtle in turning down the toys. Remind him of the all the other pathways through the labyrinth. Make a map if you gotta. It’s your parts he’s performing a one-man-gang-bang upon. You want him to take it easy with the plastic? Ask him. You want him to just fuck, tell him. If he thinks he’s found an easy way to make it work, and is taking the lazy way to tingle-town, call him out on that. But it will take both of you in the same conversation to figure out how to temper his silicon fascination.

With any sex advice, the go-to, tried and true, never fail solution is communication. From Dr. Ruth to Dan Savage, it is known: you have to talk to him. You’re married, and likely in part because your parts play well together. If you have a strong relationship, you should be able to open up and express what else you’d like to do. Maybe you’ll find out he has some things he isn’t quite comfortable asking for. You might need to make another trip to The Castle.

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Do you need some life advice? Submit your question to advice@alaskacommons.com and you may see your answer get published in a future column.

It is a divine act of hubris to think any one being has an answer for everyone. Just as every person has a completely unique experience and destination; so the best answer could come from an array of sources. The words of Brahm will be heard from this source, but the voices of Brahm are many.

What do you think?